Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Dog soldiers

This is the kind of movie is ok to watch only if you have a very sharp sense of humor.

The characters
The bad guy:  He is an army captain with a surprisingly cute face for a villain.

He is introduced in a forest, at night, doing some test with probably a military academy student. He asks the soldier to shoot a dog for no apparent reason, because, you know, army people are all psychopaths, then he shoots the dog himself just to make a point, because people who hurt puppies are naughty. In the end we hate him because he is ready to kill people - quite a surprise from an army man.

The good guy: We are introduced with this guy from the beginning, running through the woods, beating up some guys which indicates that he is strong and agile and he should be admired. His refusal to shoot the dog - obviously thrown in there for the female audience, because most women are repressed lesbians and thus they tend to admire men who are pussies - indicate that this army thing might not be for him, you know with all that 'following orders without questions' thing the army is about. The darkness only lets us guess his features, later revealed to be ugly as fuck - male directors tending to confuse ugliness with being tough (damn you, Schwarzeneger!).

Doesn't do much except being rebellious just for the fuck of it and survive in the end.

The rest: The men are living proof that army hair could make anyone shit ugly, or that ugly = tough was really a criteria. All white men. Makes it harder for everyone to know who is getting killed first. One woman. White. Uninteresting.

The confusion: The small group of soldiers wonder in the woods, doing something tactical against AWACS. Whatever the fuck that is, they are not enemies because the soldiers have blank bullets. Later turns out it was some kind of exercise for an obscure purpose nobody ever reveals. Generally, the presence of everybody there is obscure, except for the bad guy.

The dialogue: Whoever wrote this script would make millions curing insomnia. It is so boring, your mind wonders away after the first 3 lines. It is like watching a movie in a language you are just learning. You understand the words, you can swear you know the meaning, but after they shut up you realize you have no idea what the fuck was said.

The special effects: When you only have a budget for rubber monster suits, film everything in the dark, show only parts of the suit while moving the camera around and everything will be fine.

The stupidity: If you have a sense of humor, once the battle starts, you will piss your pants. 
One of the soldiers runs into a think branch. The branch runs all the way through him - because that can totally happen. Yeah... Then some creature cuts this other guy's belly with surgical precision, cutting through skin, fat and muscle, about 40 cm wide, which causes the guy's unscratched intestines to burst out. No worries though, it seems if that ever happens to you, you can just put them back in, bandage your belly tight and you can walk for kilometers, ride in a jeep, have a dog pull your bandage for 5 minutes and be just fine. Then, somebody with no medical experience and anatomy knowledge can put you back together using super glue. Isn't life just wonderful?
In a life threatening situation, if you are in a car, get off, break into a house, heat up some food, then decide you need to ride to the next town or village. Then go to your car, and if you see it broken by the monsters you were running away from, it means you are in this stupid movie. Then wait another couple of hours for wolf men to attack before deciding to tell everyone there is another car in the garage. If you have a sliding lock, use that to keep out the monsters. Worked for these guys.
All through the house attack part, the monsters seem to have very little problem getting in and slaughter everyone but, for some reason, they just quit. While waiting for the hounds from hell to attack them the third time, the woman decides she should play the piano because... something. Her weapon of choice against werewolves is a flashlight. Which, nota bene, fucking works! (later, we find out she is one of the wolves, which explains some stuff)

The plot: A rebellious soldier has a fight with a captain. One month later they meet again in the woods, there are werewolves that killed captain's troupe and injured him. Woman shows up, soldiers run, wolves attack, soldiers fight, captain becomes werewolf, woman becomes werewolf, more fighting, all wolves die, only the good guy survives. The end.